She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
