Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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