Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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