I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
