I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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