There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
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The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
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god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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