Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
