I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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