They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We just shotgunned beers for America
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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