I'm lost and stupid without you.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
