Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I still have a little drunk in my system
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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