Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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