If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
