I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
