i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
