I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
