he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
