I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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