the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
