Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
