I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Sext me about skeletons
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
