called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
