I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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