My sheets look like a crime scene.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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