I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
