you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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