I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
