Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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