We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
they call him Oral-B. enough said
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
