this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
