drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
