Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
