toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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