and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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