I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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