Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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