totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
