I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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