i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
