Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
