I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
