Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize