Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid