Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls