May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
