You just made me feel so damn special
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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