Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
