My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
