So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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