So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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