toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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