Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
