if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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