Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
