im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
