I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
