Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
