You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
