Buhtt sex?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
