she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
