I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
